It's not the same without someone you love. Nights turn into nightmares and the figurative pain you have only witnessed vaguely become a reality. The hurt you feel holds your mind under it's control, comparing it's own hurt to the hurt of unimaginative loss, then creates a diminishable longing that pours into your heart and head. You don't feel safe anymore, just vulnerable and weak. Pain. It over takes your mind, even more so, until you actually believe you're alone... even with a hundred friends by your side. First stage: You feel as if it won't last. Second: The feelings evolve into hope. Third: Hope is decimated and before you have time to catch your breath, brutal reality consumes everything you know and everything you are. This reality leaves you in doubt, with the sole truth that everything you believed was a lie. What remains of your sanity transforms into pain and your only guidance is your past. Yesterday. The never ending day which reminds you everyday of who you once knew and how you once felt. This occurrence striking you as odd, you cry. Over, over, and back until you are unsure of who you are anymore. All this becomes the thing that so distinctly sets you aside from the many people around you. Life; without meaning. Hope; non-existent. The hurt in your heart and tear in your eye then define you. You must hide them though, if not, pity will follow beside the many other fatalities you are forced to deal. A mysterious person you become, to yourself. The only way you seem to be able to express your thoughts is through written lines on meaningless paper. But, even your words don't seem to do slight justice for what's going on in your head. "I know what you're going through." They say so evidently faithful in their words. They believe so strongly in their false opinions that it disgusts me. 'I should have...' I pause. Finishing the sentence and many more after it with the regretted details of what I should have done, how I should have cherished every moment spent with the ones I loved... all of the good times. Instead, I remained in the haze that fooled me into thinking infinity was an option. Now, out of reach, I regret every misspoken word. Everything I did not say. I wasn't positive enough. I wasn't supportive enough. I didn't love hard enough. I should have. Thoughts racing and your heart breaking you suddenly feel nothing at all. Which just happens to be the worst way to feel pain, because you know that when you do feel again, you'll feel everything all over again twice as hard. Stilled silence over takes your mind. The tears stop, as does the shaking, and you are left in an unnamed emotional state, reminiscing and battling the facts that present themselves so clearly now. The only words you find are 'what if' and 'what now' ? You never even figured this feeling was an option, it didn't even come to mind. It was never possible until this point. You never thought it'd come down to this. You never thought forever would end so soon. The off and on pain transforms into rage because that's your go-to feeling. That's all you ever knew and the one thing you could always turn to when things went south. Ice consumes your heart and your own feelings shatter it. The last light left lingering in your eye goes out. You aren't dead, but, neither are you alive. Alive doesn't feel like this. Truth of it is, no genius has defined these moments. There has yet to be some person to come around and decipher the meaning of this metaphorical fence I sit on. As pessimistic and awfully negative as I sound, one might choose to ignore it. But, taking me literally or not this truth is inevitable. This feeling does happen, and at some point demands to be felt. Feelings like this might fade with time, but they will never cease to exist.

This is my curse.