"Doesn't matter."
"I don't care."
I used to say. It was the truth. No one could hurt me, their words were powerless. But, my past holds the key to my annihilation. My past is my weakness. A simple raise in voice can invoke a series of memories rushing back to the surface of my attempt of a shielded brain. The name of a lost love can drive me over and with not only memories of pain I also receive memories of heart break. It breaks me. But, I manage to keep the tears held inside. Because, crying is weakness. They shouldn't have to witness my down fall. Their apology should patch everything up. But, it just doesn't. I am taken back in time where his arm was pulled back, the leather so poetically and agonizingly held, him anticipating the pleasure he receives from watching me cry. I replay the memory in slow motion, watching his arm swing down, and unleash pure pain on me. Then, I am taken to another time. A time where I held all the hope in the world that the reuniting with my best friend would take away the pressure on my chest. Where I pictured a day I would see him again, when that was the only thing keeping me going day by day, monumentally broken down into nothingness. I remember rising back up, shielding myself from all this remembrance. With few simple words shouted directly at me my wall crashes down. For a second the pain comes back and the lump begins to return in my throat as the pressure and weight that once resided on my chest again makes an appearance. I go back to feeling like a means to an end, a pointless human being. I wish to be free of this pain. Yet, I cannot be. It's torture, my past. Something someone so blind to it's impact uses as a tool for war. It's not like they know what they're doing. They were only just explaining their side of the situation. They do not understand pain like I do. They're normal. I'm the fucked up one. Who am I to blame this pain on them? Therefore, I do not. I just hold it all in once more, patch up what remains of my sanity, and give up. It was bound to happen at some point, better now than sometime when I can't control the outcome.